During the 23 years that I have populated this earth, it has been drilled into my head that the word ‘hate’ shouldn’t be thrown around lightly, if at all.
For a while, this plan worked. I didn’t swear until sixth grade (this is actually true), I smiled a bunch and generally treated everyone like a close acquaintance (even if they made fun of my glasses in sixth grade, looking at you Kelly Duetch).
But then something changed, something deep inside of me snapped sometime during my junior year of high school. I started to hate things, people, places, ideas and situations. For example, I used to love carnivals. Nothing like going to a carnival in late August to remind you about why the summertime is such a great time of year.
Now, I have a hatred in my heart for all things carnival-related. Have you noticed how much hay surrounds those places? Not to mention the freakshows that pass off as entertainment.
To make myself feel better about all the things that make me angry and give me the all-important rage in my heart that allows me to continue to function, I will present them to you in a comprehensive list that you may or may not agree with.
Please note that this list is in no particular order.
1. The Manning family
Pretty self-explanatory. Nothing that those god-fearing hicks have produced has ever benefited me in any way. I was going to include only Peyton in this itinerary of hatred until I realized that his brother is a moron, too. So, to be fair, they’re all included. See, I’m nothing if not inclusive.
2. Deval Patrick
The man that did a trial run of the ‘yes we can’ slogan in my state of Massachusetts. Some of you might think I picked him because he’s black. This is not the case – if Deval Patrick was purple or had polka dotted skin, he would make this list. Not only is he the dumbest governor I’ve ever seen in person, but he spends public money like that shit’s on fire.
He basically taught us that electing someone on the basis of a vague term like ‘change’ is probably a bad idea. Oh wait what?
3. MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore,’ stereotypical Italians, New Jersey and anything connected to that vile little area of the country
Everyone has been making fun of the ‘Garbage State’ for years. And yes, I too have climbed onto that bandwagon of mockery. But the recent events have hardened my heart toward everyone connected to that area. It’s not the fact that the morons on ‘Jersey Shore’ are stupid, because they totally are. I understand, sometimes even admire stupidity.
The issue is that they clearly don’t understand that in the real world, you can’t go around speaking in a fake Italian accent, call everyone a douchebag and fight with random people. That show is why the terrorists hate us. The blame should also be put on New Jersey for allowing the ‘Jersey Shore’ to become such a douche-magnet and for Italians for being so stereotypical that it makes the rest of the country mad.
4. The homeless people at the bus/train stations that seem to bypass everyone else but me to ask for change
Seriously, what’s the deal? Do I look like a rich man at the bus stop? Why do these morons make a beeline for me and my pocket change when there were clearly more well-off people who they could’ve asked for money? I’m not sure why this keeps happening, especially when I intentionally close myself off while waiting for a stop.
I don’t talk to anyone and yet they all manage to corner me and ask me for spare change. Go away. I don’t like you, and I know for an almost legally certifiable fact that you are going to use my 48 cents to buy booze and/or a job from the hooker on the corner. I refuse to be an accessory to such crimes.
5. The guy who reads this article, gets offended halfway through, doesn’t realize it’s a satirical view on the human condition, writes a confusingly long e-mail protesting my lack of journalistic integrity and makes defamatory comments about my character that I can use to sue his ass for all he’s worth
Don’t read this article. Just move on. Nothing you read here will be remotely interesting to you.
Just kidding. I love bears.
Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2010.