Aries (March 21&-April 19) Transferring to Hogwarts just might be harder than you think.

Taurus (April 20&-May 20) An interesting and fun victory is in your immediate future.

Gemini (May 21&-June 21) This weekend you’ll make a comeback, not as huge as Britney, but close.

Cancer (June 22&-July 22) Before you grab those fries at the Pit, think about that six pack you don’t have.

Leo (July 23&-Aug. 22) Start a daily exercise routine to get fit; sex doesn’t count on Thursdays.

Virgo (Aug. 23&-Sept. 22) Gay clubbing solves all problems for everyone.

Libra (Sept. 23&-Oct. 22) Your skills from the ‘hood will definitely come in handy in the 19th ward.

Scorpio (Oct. 23&-Nov. 21) Take the rest of the boys and go get your ‘metro fix” at the spa or mall this weekend.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22&-Dec. 21) Remember you can always use the word ‘friendly” as a euphemism for ‘slutty”; it’s nicer.

Capricorn (Dec. 22&-Jan. 19) Don’t be afraid to shake it on the dance floor; you’ll never know who will notice you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20&-Feb. 18) Spend more time with your BFF this week… remember bros before hoes.

Pisces (Feb. 19&-March 20) Straight, but fun, just might be the sexual orientation for you.

(If you believe this you think you don’t need pepper spray on the way to Riverview.)



Life and college students: a mutual hatred

It’s been a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day. I hate everyone and everyone hates me. I crawl into bed at 8 p.m., face my pillow, and scream into the void.

‘Striking Power’: the truth behind the broken noses of Ancient Egyptian sculptures

The exhibit examines the patterns of damage inflicted on works of art for political, religious, and criminal reasons — the results of organized campaigns of destruction.

Looking towards Starbucks for my gender

I am genderfluid. On days when Emmely becomes an ill-fitting hat, Starbucks is there to save the day.