Aries (March 21&-April 19) Kicked that abusive significant other but still want that S’M flavor? Greek Rush is upon us.

Taurus (April 20&-May 20) Going to a strip club during a weekday is like buying expired food. Sure it’s cheap, but it will probably make you sick.

Gemini (May 21&-June 21) You don’t need the gym to lose the Freshman 15. The bursar now accepts pounds of flesh.

Cancer (June 22&-July 22) Your obsession with white powder makes you a better fit for a couch in a back room on the Fraternity Quad than for a spot on the ski team.

Leo (July 23&-Aug. 22) Take up ‘World of Warcraft.” Anyone who says that battling trolls is not a useful skill hasn’t seen the UR feminine specimen.

Virgo (Aug. 23&-Sept. 22) Prepare for President McCain to screw this country; buy stock in Cialis.

Libra (Sept. 23&-Oct. 22) Don’t worry about failing your CAS class. You can still be a stripper or a VP candidate.

Scorpio (Oct. 23&-Nov. 21) You’ll be amazed how long you can sleep in after your professors say that all the notes are online.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22&-Dec. 21) You’ll find that all that glitters is not gold after praying to the porcelain god on Goldschlager night.

Capricorn (Dec. 22&-Jan. 19) After your floormates finish having sex in the shower, you’ll try to convince yourself that you’re only standing in shampoo.

Aquarius (Jan. 20&-Feb. 18) The only thing that is better than KY his and hers is KY his and hers and hers.

Pisces (Feb. 19&-March 20) Freshmen will be easily confused about which sorority you mean when you say you’re going to the Drama House.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe it really is her and not you.)

‘Speak No Evil’ is so AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

"Speak No Evil" is one of the best movies I’ve seen this year. But if I recommend it, nobody will ever talk to me again.

To eat, or not to eat, that is the question

Professors of the chemical engineering department are now offering a fun little opportunity for all UR students looking to complete their History cluster. For no less than 40 hours a week, you have the privilege of LARPing as a feudal serf.

“Destroyed by mouth sounds:” a cappella demolition

His basic game plan: attract attention with a high D and wrist flourish to distract passerby, while the demolition team’s other members bulldoze campus property with equipment rescued from that one Elmwood Avenue construction site.