Our morning routines have generally gone unchanged from elementary school to college – wake up, watch some Pokmon, eat cereal. However, our entry into college inspired our imaginations to new directions when contemplating our cereal boxes. While sitting in our dorm rooms recovering from a tough weekend out, bleary eyes directed at Lucky, the Lucky Charms mascot, on his box, all we can think of is: would we want to party with him? Who would be the best cereal mascots to party with? And who would trash our party, ruin the night and force us away from their cereal forever? This is what we found.
The five best mascots to party with:
Fifth: Wendell the Baker (Cinnamon Toast Crunch). Wendell makes it onto the list for one reason and one reason only. Imagine this: It’s 4 a.m., you’ve just downed a few Keystones or smoked a blunt and, to your great displeasure, Uncle Dickie has already left. Because you go to school in Rochester, there’s not a single place that will deliver to your door. Out of nowhere pops Wendell the Baker, the savior of the party and of the night, there to whip up some delicious pastries to satisfy your munchies.
Fourth: Honeycomb Kid (Honeycomb). This guy’s crazy. Imagine this: The party’s dying out, people are leaving because they’ve lost in Beirut, they can’t dance anymore and they’ve given up on hooking up. All of a sudden, Honeycomb appears and wham! He shoves his face through a window. Now how funny is that?
Third: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Cocoa Puffs). Cocoa Puffs rock, and so does Sonny. Imagine this: the party tonight is lame, or rather, there’s an Organic Chemistry exam and half the school is in Gleason Library. There’s nothing going on until Sonny comes in with his chocolate-flavored bowl, offering you a hit. How can you resist?
Second: The Captain (Captain Crunch). The Captain is always there to save the day. Imagine this: your buddies are in their rooms playing video games, too lazy to join you for a night of drunken festivities. You’re stuck with them without any hope of getting laid. And that’s when a boat crashes through your dorm room and the Captain jumps out, sailor cap flying and beers clutched in both fists. The night lives on.
First: Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes). Tony is always up for a good time. He’s that really cool kid who can drink anyone into the ground and will talk to anyone at any party. Imagine this: you’re slowly drinking your beer, afraid to approach any girls for fear of rejection. Tony’s the guy who helps you grow a pair and start macking it with the girl who, although out of your league, is impressed by your close relationship with such a cool guy and is therefore willing to give you a chance.
The five mascots you’d least like to party with:
Fifth: Dig ‘Em the Frog (Smacks). This frog is just annoying. He’s the kid that, no matter how obvious you make it, won’t leave you alone. Yeah, kid, you know who you are.
Fourth: Cornelius the Rooster (Cornflakes). You think an alarm clock is bad? Imagine waking up to this jerk-off. No matter how good the party was, no matter how many hot girls you danced with, all of it is forgotten by the searing sound from this rooster at the break of dawn.
Third: Buzzbee (Honey Nut Cheerios). There’s always someone who can’t hold his or her liquor. That, more than anything, can ruin a night. If you hadn’t drank with this guy, you wouldn’t have had to drag him out of the frat house, simultaneously supporting him while fending off angry frat brothers. You wouldn’t have had to carry him back to the dorm, lay him on his bed and wait over him with a trash can. And you wouldn’t have had to clean up his puke or call MERT. You would have avoided a terrible night.
Second: Count Chocula (Count Chocula). The Count is on this list through no fault of his own; what scares us is the risks that come with having him at a party. He might be fun to party with, at least at first. But everyone knows how easy it is to get peer pressured into doing stupid things while intoxicated and a vampire at a party is just a bad idea.
First: Chip the Cookie Hound (Cookie Crisp). I don’t care how much fun you can be, keep your dirty paws off of our crap. Chip is a notorious thief, which for the outside observer is hilarious.
But once you invite this police-targeted dog to your party, the next morning there’s a good chance you’ll be missing CDs, movies, your computer, weed, booze and, most importantly, your Coooookie Crisp.
Bauer, Burke, Collins, Epstein and Waldman are members of the class of 2010.
