Facing one of the biggest elections in recent history, our country is at a pivotal point that can make or break our reputation around the world. High gas prices, illegal immigration and a never-ending war are all hot-button issues that have politicians lying through their teeth worse than Shaggy singing, “It Wasn’t Me.”
But one issue remains virtually untouched in the rhetoric of American policy makers, and it is an issue plaguing our country. What is this urgent issue, you ask? It’s Britney, bitch.
Take a look at any newsstand, and it’s as clear as Britney’s panties (i.e. there is no obstruction) – we are obsessed with this woman.
We have been for the past 10 years, starting when she first burst onto the music scene wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit singing about how much of a virgin she was and encouraging us to hit her, effectively causing an entire populace of teenage boys to pop their first boners and a majority of gay males to realize their dreams of becoming teenage pop-princesses. Britney: we are slaves 4 u.
Just as Kurt Cobain died for the disenchanted youth of America during the ’90s, Britney has become a martyr for the digital age, showing us just how big of bottom-feeders we have become in the era of Us! Weekly and TMZ.
Like the masses that follow her, Britney is “me-first” to the Nth degree, and the only reason we’re so consumed by her every trivial move is because we need something disastrous to compare our own sordid, shallow lives to in order to make ourselves feel better. We should have known she was toxic.
How is Britney Spears’s feeding her babies Pepsi important to me? Is this pertinent information? Does knowing that Britney didn’t wear sandals into a gas-station bathroom really make me a better human being?
When celebrity gossip has become as important of a news story as war and genocide, you know your country has reached the apex of absurdity.
I’d hate to say that an inbred, fame-obsessed redneck responsible for making 8-year-olds want to get pregnant is the victim of the American media, but that is the sad truth.
I can’t blame Britney. She wanted out from the beginning. You think she was wearing that schoolgirl outfit willingly? No way. She just wanted to walk around naked and populate the world with her babies. That was her prerogative. We should have listened.
Just whose fault was it? It was the record execs and management who overprotected her in an attempt to sell the image of a wholesome, chaste Southern girl – just like we wanted – taking us along for the ride as she was deflowered and transformed from not a girl to not yet a woman before our very eyes.
It was the throngs of yes-men and women that followed her around, making her feel relevant and wanted in a time when she was anything but.
It was her parents – her sad, scheming, redneck parents – who forced fame upon her for their own selfish reasons from the beginning.
It was us, for never looking away.
Now she’s a disaster. She’s everything that’s wrong with getting too much attention. She’s a bald, single mother of two with psychological problems and living in a rehab clinic.
And to think, we once thought, “Oh how lucky! What a star!” failing to realize that she cried, cried, cried in her lonely heart at night.
This is a train wreck that makes Paris Hilton look like Mother Theresa. This is a meltdown that makes Mariah Carey’s look like an episode of “Family Matters.” This is a pop-star catastrophe that makes Michael Jackson look? well, bad example, but you get the point.
Barring divine intervention, Britney Spears will die within one year. So in her final 365 days, I ask the American public to stop reading her stories. Stop paying attention.
Ignore Perez Hilton and Showbiz Tonight and anyone else who feels the need to track her life and report about it in their blogs.
For God’s sake, please leave Britney alone!
For every one person that turns his or her attention to something slightly more important, is one less stint in rehab, one less umbrella attack, one less public collapse for Miss Spears.
And if enough people turn their heads away, I’m convinced that she will spontaneously combust due to lack of attention.
This is something our country depends upon. We’re at a critical low point and in need of an instant change.
What better way to reconstruct our image than rid ourselves of the wretched face of our culture that is Miss Spears?
As we near election day, remember to vote “Gimme Less” for Britney Spears.
Britney: Don’t worry, baby, I still love you, and it is my only hope that someday you will understand.
Milbrand is a member of the class of 2008.
