Aries (March 21-April 19) – Heated massage oils are a great way to warm up an Ice Queen. Whiskey works well too, though.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You know your girlfriend’s a keeper not because she does your laundry but because she leaves instructions of what you like for your girl on the side.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Your Mexican friend with access to dietary Ephedrine always seems to be extra popular with the ladies in the weeks leading to spring break.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – The girls of the Alpha Iota Delta Sorority are known for their extravagant cocktail parties.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – People in glass houses shouldn’t throw sex parties.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When your roommate asks you why all your underwear smells like Old Spice, you will begrudgingly tell him that it does not have the advertised hair growth effect.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – It’s great when celebrities like Lindsay Lohan decline in popularity – nude photos always follow!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – As you pick up a pack of condoms, some personal lubricant and a scented candle, you will realize that the best things in life have a lot of hidden fees.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – To save on special-effect costs, Dwight Howard has been cast to play Superman in the upcoming motion picture.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – There will be a scramble for the remote at your Bloody Mary party when a Maxi pad commercial comes on the television.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – To follow this semester’s tradition of picking venues based on size, the next senior night will be held in Munro 3.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – As you study for your WWII exam, you think how great it would be if girls with boyfriends wore armbands so you wouldn’t waste time talking to them!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe a cold ski resort is a great spring break location!)

Goncharov, your new favorite Thanksgiving tradition

Imagine if Die Hard had a guy braining another guy with an ice pick and then tossing him into a fish pond. That is the magic of Martin Scorsese’s “Goncharov.”

‘The Crucible’ is a theatrical romp

There is blood, dirt and grime, and behind the scenes, there is blood, sweat and tears poured into this production that you can feel palpably on stage.

What how you spend your weekends really says about you

When the weekend comes around, I overthink and start to get a rush of anxiety. Why? Because I might be judged for not going out.