(Continued from last issue.)

I vowed to get revenge on Dave for turning his back on our friendship. A few months later, I got my chance. Dave had recently started dating a girl named Trish. Though Trish was one of the popular girls in my grade, she was one of the few people that called me Drew instead of “Ballsack.” She was also one of the only girls in our grade who partnered up with Dave for class assignments before he was popular. In eighth grade, Dave told me that Trish was the first girl he ever had a crush on, and two years later, his flame of passion burned just as strongly.

Dave’s relationship with Trish was no accident; in fact, it had been two years in the making. Between eighth and 10th grades, Dave went to great lengths to make Trish think he was the nicest guy in the world. He then waited for Trish to endure a traumatizing breakup.

Finally, rumors began swirling through the school that Trish’s boyfriend of a year had cheated on her. It didn’t take long for Dave to convince Trish that she needed a boyfriend who truly cared about her and her needs. The next day, Dave and Trish were officially “going out.” Upon hearing this, I knew exactly what I had to do – undo in one day what he had taken two years to achieve.

At the end of school that day, I had the perfect plan. I approached Trish’s locker and told her that Dave’s friends were throwing Dave a belated surprise birthday party at his house that night and she, being his new girlfriend, should attend. Since Trish and I didn’t normally hang out, she was unaware that Dave and I had a falling out and consequently the request didn’t seem out of the ordinary.

“I’ll pick you up at 11:30,” I told her as I started away from her locker, “and remember, don’t mention this to Dave – it’s a surprise!”

Later that night, as I was driving Trish over to Dave’s house, she turned to me and said, “After school today, I bought Dave a gift.” She then reached in to her purse and pulled out a sweater vest. “I remember you and Dave used to talk about wearing these so I figured I’d get him a new one to add to his collection.”

“How thoughtful,” I responded, noting the irony of the situation.

“Try it on!” She exclaimed. “I want to see how it looks.”

“Fine,” I agreed reluctantly. “I’ll try it on when we get there.”

As we reached Dave’s house, I recognized the cars of Dave’s friends outside. “Excellent,” I thought to myself as I stepped out of the car. Trish walked over to me and handed me the sweater vest.

“Put it on,” she said. I slipped the sweater vest over my button-down shirt and took a step back for her to examine me. Immediately she started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” I asked her defensively, but before she could answer, she blurted out, “I think I hear them,” and started to run toward the basement.

Descending the basement stairs, Trish’s wide smile transformed into a look of astonishment, as she saw her boyfriend seated among a group of guys watching a naked nurse giving a patient a very erotic physical examination. Trish and I looked on as Dave stood up and screamed out, “Now I’m gonna tap me some ass of my own!” He then pulled out his phone and began dialing a number. Two seconds later, Trish’s phone rang.

The astonishment on Trish’s face quickly turned to anger as she began to march up Dave’s basement steps and back toward my car. I raced past her and cut her off.

“I want you to know that I’m really sorry about this,” I said.

“It’s not your fault,” she answered in a progressively calming voice. “You’re nice to me.”

“Thanks,” I replied with a smile. I looked down awkwardly for a moment, but then returned my gaze to her and said, “this is going to sound crazy but do you want to go out with me some time?” Trish laughed and replied, “it’s like I’m being asked out by Zack Morris.” Humiliated, I turned away and began walking toward my car.

“Wait,” Trish called, “I didn’t finish.” I stopped and looked back at her. “The truth is,” she continued, “I’ve always had a crush on Zack Morris.”

Schwartz is a Take Five Student.



Comic: UR sus

Failure to complete tasks results in expulsion from this school.

How to survive Thanksgiving with your family

At family gatherings, chaos is not a question of if but when. So how can you survive it?

Life is pay to win. College? The giant paywall

For a game that preaches freedom of choice, there are an awful lot of decisions essentially made for us. Exhibit A: the decision to play at all.