Aries (March 21-April 19) – It doesn’t matter how much a girl weighs so long as she is on the bottom.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – An 18 percent gratuity is standard for escorts with eight inches or more.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Now that the campus has finally gotten wet, the tunnels will get filled.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Although you think all guys only want one thing, it’s really that you only have one thing to offer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – When the inexperienced, hunky young gardener started working, it wasn’t just crab grass that spread through the neighborhood.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – As you try to enjoy some Sunday football, you’ll begin to think that Chevy truck advertisements use more U.S. patriotism than the military.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Although you normally take it black, the busty barista at Starbucks made you want your coffee with milk.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – An apple a day keeps the doctors away, which is probably why Jewish mothers forbid their daughters from eating them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You may want to think twice before listing “Being at the bottom of the curve” in the community service section of your resum.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Looking for a quiet place to study? Try the ASL group study area.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Due to the fact that all girls hate each other, you’ll find that the best pickup line is “I have a girlfriend.”

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When your girlfriend said she wanted to start getting the Morning Post, you were dismayed to find out she meant the newspaper.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe “Are You Afraid of the Dark” is scary.)

Tunneling club reaches new tunnels

Tunnels come in many shapes and sizes, primarily tunnel-like and fuckery-like.

To all the overachievers out there

If you’re wasting the most amazing years of your life stressing about the future and always working, you’re ruining yourself.


They moved in packs, resembling clouds of yellow pain. Their intent: to drive students into buildings, away from campus center, and just generally insane.