Attention readers. This will hopefully be the first of two pieces critiquing those college students who define themselves as either liberal or conservative. This theory is infected with bias, and to be quite frank, is basically just one ginormous generalization. But roll with me here, if you will. Just because they annoy me most, I will begin with the modern college liberal.

The modern college liberal is a strange creature. Its entire existence is propelled by its hatred of the President of the United States. After eight years, this topic gives me the sensation of someone slowly removing various parts of my body, including my eyes, fingers and teeth. The college liberal will always think that it is more informed than you because it has done the “research,” which entails sitting on its ass and watching the Season Three DVD of “Friends” while eating Chicken Pad Thai.

To determine if one is a liberal, just ask if the person is a college student in the Northeastern United States. At least 70 percent of that population considers itself liberal (these numbers are completely false and pulled from my mind). This is due to the fact that most liberals, say about 65 percent (to reiterate, a completely fictitious number based on no raw data), are copying their friends or trying to fit in.

Trying to spot a liberal is nigh impossible. Some liberals can be spotted donning obscenely large headphones, pins with words like “Freedom” or “Love,” ripped jeans (to demonstrate their overt rebelliousness) and a t-shirt with a mildly unknown band’s name on it. If you think someone is a liberal, try offering them a slice of apple pie. If they refuse to eat it, the creature in front of you is probably a liberal. However, the only way to identify a liberal beyond a doubt is if it opens its mouth, which is typically much bigger than a normal person’s.

The social interactions of this welfare-loving beast are truly remarkable. In conversation, it asserts its “intellectual” dominance by citing numbers and percentages without an actual source (much like I did in the previous paragraph). It’ll say things like “38 percent of the Twinkie industry utilizes oil in Iraq to support the slaughter of single mothers in the ghettos of CandyLand” or “The Patriot Act is preventing society’s common Ewoks and sea lions from keeping a decent job,” and so forth. Clearly the liberal creature is too “stoned” on “cannabis weed” to know what’s actually going on in the world. Once its voice reaches a louder tone, there is no rationalizing with this animal. It will force opinions in your face until you relinquish your personal perspective, prompting the liberal to become sexually excited by hearing itself talk.

What spawns such odd behaviors in seemingly not annoying organisms you ask? Well, the omnipresence of Jon Stewart would be one thing. This leader of the irritating makes sport of conservatives, repeatedly pointing out their foibles, never mindful of the fact that jokes do indeed come with an expiration date. Although I’ve never been there, I hear that the set of “The Daily Show” reeks of stale jokes, smelling closest to what the public refers to as “a fat dump.” Another influence that turns these people into recycling zombies is mind-bending peers, who taint na’ve victims with absurd propaganda (very similar to this article).

Ultimately, one must realize no matter how revolting these mindless beasties are, there is no way to avoid them. They have seeped into every orifice of college life and those few sane of us left can only cling to the slim hopes of concepts like acceptance, diversity and rationality. Avoid getting into any political conversation with a liberal at all costs. If somehow you mistakenly stumble into one of their clever verbal traps, simply nod and say “I agree” to make it out of the interaction with your genitals intact. Under no circumstances must you speak your opinion, because the modern college liberal will neither listen nor hesitate to think it is better than you. It would rather be at Starbucks drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato and discussing Darfur with a mirror than listen to what you have to say.

Tune in next week for the analysis of the elusive college conservative.

Stahl is a member of the class of 2009.

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