Aries (March 21-April 19) – Remember, a turbo never uses the brakes on the road to Pound Town.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Sometimes you wonder if anyone else sees the irony of a Cosmo article that mentions your girlfriend being titled, “His Ultimate Sex Fantasy.”
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – During rush, it’s important to remember that pledging a fraternity is like eating Sour Patch Kids. First it’s sour, but then it’s sweet.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Someday you will attempt to put time in a bottle, but find it to be a waste of time.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You can’t help but think it’s time for a new era of music when a new hit song is about a lip moisturizing product.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – If you’re quick on your feet, you should avoid doing it standing up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Haven’t seen your feet in a while? Welcome to UR dining!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You know it’s a bad sign when the Career Center advises you to get recommendations from people who don’t know you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Wear your hat backwards; it will stop people from sneaking up on you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Before going to have sex outside, it’s important that both parties be able to identify poison ivy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Feel free to answer all questions in class; it lets everyone else know who to sit near come test day.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – The parking service of UR certainly seems a bit less smug with their recent loss of booting privileges.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe that happens to all guys sometimes.)