“Is your father a baker? Because you have nice buns.” This is probably the worst pick-up line that I have ever heard, but sadly, I have heard it used one too many times. My question is this: do guys really think that a cheesy line like this is going to have the ladies racing each other to their beds?

“Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.” “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.” “You know what would look great on you? Me.”

OK, I could go on forever, but my point is that guys will say anything to capture the interest of a girl. Unfortunately for them, the attempts are usually laughed off and then retold to her friends the next day over lunch.

I’m sure most women can recall being caught off-guard, having an innocent laugh with a friend at a bar, when some guy comes up to them with that pressing question: “Did it hurt?” Um, did what hurt, do I have a bruise or something, you think to yourself. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” Oh, never mind.

Within the campus community, guys tend to be a little more creative with the way that they try to get girls to go back to their room to, “Hang out, meet the roommate.” The always mysteriously missing roommate, of course.

Some of the best ones that I’ve heard have been, “I’ve got some great books, want to see them?” or “There’s a private party on the third floor, and you’re invited.” Private, because you’re the only one invited. Books? Private parties? We’re on to you guys. Let’s have some original lines for a change. No more, “Is your name Wilma? Because I can make your bed rock.”

Alright guys, I’ll let you into the secret. The Holy Grail of getting into a girl’s pants: furry little animals. That’s right; we’re not interested in your roommate or your books at 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. But we do want to snuggle with a fuzzy pet.

Casually bring up the fact that you have an adorable friend waiting for you back home, and you’re sure to have your companion cooing over the thought.

Of course we want to play with it! The animal. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’ve done considerable research on this topic and, take it from me – a real- life girl – a snuggly pet takes the cake over anything else guys could possibly want to show us in their room.

A friend of mine has the ultimate chick magnet: a chinchilla. If you have never had the pleasure of playing with a chinchilla, then I know where you should end up this weekend. Just kidding. But they are the softest, cuddliest animals that a guy could possibly have.

So guys, forget the cheesy pick-up lines and bad excuses to get a girl upstairs. Just invest in a chinchilla. It works every time. At least, that’s what I hear.

Myers is a member of the class of 2009.



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Please don’t look at me while I’m studying

I almost felt like a real college student for a second, instead of the precarious pyramid of nocturnal raccoons (in sunglasses and a trench coat, of course) that I actually am.