I am, unlike my friend Linnell Randall, a God-fearing man. So on occasion, I feel like he should do me some favors, you know? I mean, I didn’t suffer through five years of Hebrew school torture for nothing. Also, I lip-synched through much of my Bar Mitzvah, but I digress. The point is, people turn to religion to help them out in times of need, and the other day, all my prayers were answered.
Let me preface the story with another story. Ever since that fateful day of my Bar Mitzvah (June 24, 2000), I sort of lost track of God. I stopped going to the ‘gogue, broke nearly every commandment in the book (I haven’t really coveted the neighbor yet, just you wait) and pretty much became a non-Jew. Since I have come to college however, it has seemed that the need for the Almighty has returned to me – not because I have suddenly discovered religion again, but because college work is just so damn hard. You can’t blame me for trying to get some heavenly assistance to help me pass.
Now back to the real story. So a short time ago, I found myself facing an economics test, one which, suffice to say, I was not very prepared for. As I was walking into the building, I harkened back to my roots as a God-fearing Jew and had a little request for the Big Man Upstairs. What follows is almost the exact wording: “Dear God, I know you’re probably busy, with a war on and all, but I feel like you should put down what you’re doing and hear this. I haven’t asked you for much in the past, but there’s a first for everything. If there was ever a time to work your magic, it would be now.” And lo and behold, my test was cancelled. Only later did I realize that the day was Holy Thursday.
You can imagine my surprise that my prayer was answered. This got me thinking about religion in general. After all, it is this kind of miracle that new beliefs are based on. And I figured, “well hot damn, if it worked for a middle-aged carpenter and a neurotic camel-herder, why can’t it work for me?” So later that day, I sat down and began to plan out my own religion.
First off, I would make it called MBism, or Meinte Bastardoism. The creed is just like any other religion: love, health, happiness, the whole nine yards. The leaders, which would be me and my descendants would be called Skinut 1, 2 and so on. Everyone else would be on the bottom. You can never have too many people “in the know” because they all get too greedy and eventually destroy the faith.
Everyone would have to pay to join – not too much, but enough to keep me comfortable as I and my progeny converse with God. After all, doesn’t the prophet need to be taken care of? I think so. The Catholic Church requires 10 percent of your income, the needy pricks. No, I will only ask for maybe one percent. That way, everyone who is disenfranchised with the Vatican can come flock. And with the scandals, who isn’t a little upset? Am I right?
The prophet will only talk to the Lord on special occasions, one of which will be the day of the birth of the first great prophet, me. The legend of my birth will be told like thus: it was just past the stroke of midnight, in the barren plains of Russia, under a full moon, in a corner of the mighty Lake Baikal, on a lily pad that housed a tulip, a baby sprung forth. That baby was me. Sort of like that painting of Venus, except I will be fully clothed, because no one wants to see a little kid with his schvantz hanging out.
Every religion needs a martyr, and I got just the thing. One time when I was 14, I had a goldfish that died after being persecuted for being too fat. In MBism, the goldfish will be our sacred symbol, no one will be allowed to enslave the magnificent creatures.
As for heaven and hell, I will take a page out of another faith’s playbook. Except for 70 dark-haired virgins, people will get seven any-colored hair supermodels, one for each day of the week. Not everyone likes his women with dark hair and, as a religion, we have to respect that. Plus, could someone really say no to a supermodel? I thought so. There will be no hell in my religion, it just won’t be heaven.
So there you go, everything needed for a religion has been covered. All I need now is some followers. Join now and get a discount! As for me, I have a math test to study for.
Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.
