You may have heard of the recent lottery jackpot, worth close to $360 big ones (by big ones, I mean millions). You may have also heard that there were two winners, thus chopping this enormous amount of cash into two smaller parts. I wish I had won the lottery – that would have made my day. Some people may ask, “But Dave, what could you possibly do with all that money? Is it possible to blow through $360 million in one lifetime?” Well, if Mike Tyson could do it, I’m sure that I might have a chance to do it. So here goes my foolproof plan to spend more money than God.
First off, I would buy happiness. Not the actual state obviously. After all, it’s just a figure of speech, but I would buy the use of the word happiness, trademark it and wait for the money to pour in. Also, it would render the phrase “money can’t buy happiness” obsolete. I reckon that this purchase would cost me close to $25 million. Whatever. I still have $335 million to go.
Next on my shopping list would be my own country. But let’s be honest, it’s hard nowadays to find and claim something no one has explored. So I will look toward Africa. I’m sure that I could purchase several countries on that continent with my amount of cash.
Next, I will combine the countries into one massive country called Wabtyl, which coincidently stands for “We are better than you land,” but will sound very native-like and will help me blend in. After that, I shall build up my power and start my own UN, but better because everyone will get cookies and milk. And everyone knows that you can’t be angry at someone while having cookies and milk. Thus, there will be no conflicts in my UN, which will include only Wabtyl and Jamaica and maybe Brazil. All this might cost me somewhere in the $200 million range, leaving me with a meager $135 million to play with.
Following my foray into country-building, my next step would be to start a line of casinos, because people shouldn’t have to go all the way to Vegas to enjoy gambling. My casinos will be called “The Rise of Ski.” Why? Because I said so. I will import only the finest liquors and wines, and the prostitutes will be the cleanest in the world, better than even Kazakhstan’s whores. Nothing kills a getaway weekend faster than learning that you got the clap from that stripper you slept with after getting trashed.
Also, all casino workers will have to legally change their names to Buddy and get botox injections so they always smile. Service with a smile will take on a new meaning. Obviously, I will not pay for the cosmetic surgery. After all, what am I, a Rockefeller? So opening casinos isn’t really all that cheap. It will cost me somewhere around $100 million. This leaves me pretty poor, with only $35 mil left in the bank.
Next, I plan on starting my own company. What will that company be making? The fuzz on the tennis balls. You know what I’m taking about. Have you ever opened a can of new tennis balls, and all the balls have that fuzzy feel to them? That fuzzy feel is what my new company will be making. It shall become Wabtyl’s number one export. Then I would buy all the companies that make tennis balls and turn myself into a tennis ball monopoly. Sure, monopolies are illegal in the U.S., but in Wabtyl, there will be no laws against controlling whole industries. All this business will obviously cost some money, somewhere in the neighborhood of $34,999,999.95.
So there you have it, my very own strategy to spend my lottery winnings. Hopefully, one day, this dream will become a reality. What’s that you say? I still have five cents left? Well then, I guess I can afford a stick of gum.
Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.