Aries (March 21-April 19) – Always look on the bright side of life, it’s less straining on the eyes.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – It is better to have loved and lost than to actually go through with marriage.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Beer before liquor or liquor before beer? I can never remember. It’s probably best if you stick to jungle juice.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – The girl of your dreams will finally notice you. Of course, it’s hard not to notice the kid who wets himself at the math midterm.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – This week you will hear for the first time, “What goes around, comes around.” If only you knew this before sleeping with the football player’s girlfriend.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When setting an alarm for when your mistress leaves and your girlfriend comes for breakfast, don’t forget about Daylight Savings.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Don’t worry about studying for your test on Friday – you’re going to sleep through it anyway.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You will begin to question the age old phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” when your dog ferociously humps anyone who walks into your house.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – For Halloween, you should dress as yourself in 10 years. All you need are some tattered clothes, a can and a sign asking for money! Easy!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – With the help of a nice young lady, you and your roommate will feel cultured as you bring the Eiffel Tower to the River Campus.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – We all know you can attract bees with honey, but to attract a girl with D’s, you need money.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You never realized how bad Rochester drivers were until you returned from study abroad in London. It seems like no one drives on the correct side of the road!
(If you actually believe this then you must think that the Great Pumpkin is real. Sorry, Charlie Brown.)