Aries (March 21-April 19) – Some say it’s what you do, not what you say, that defines who you are. Really though, it’s the logo on your shirt.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After your most recent diet fails, you will realize that working the reception desk does not count as “going to the gym.”
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When searching for a mate on the Frat Quad, remember the old saying, if at first you don’t succeed, look for a lonelier girl!
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Procrastination is a lot like masturbation; girls do it too but never admit to it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You will say many profound things throughout your life. Unfortunately, due to clerical errors, they will all be cited as, “Author Unknown.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, unless that is where the price is written.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You will be greatly disheartened to learn that, despite the fact that you had fun, you still lost your intramural game.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – When looking for a dog-sitter, you will like how affectionate the first candidate is. However, you will still have to turn him down when you find his stockpile of peanut butter.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – After a philosophical discussion about chickens and eggs, your professor will ask which came first. Your girlfriend will frown and point to you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – To avoid getting herpes, you will have to rely heavily on quick reflexes when the campus tramp blows you a kiss.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – After taking someone’s clothes out of the dorm dryer, you will be forced to debate whether to hold them or fold them.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Who is the bigger fool, the fool or he who follows the fool? It’s whichever one you are.