Last Tuesday, the UR Laboratory for Laser Energetics held a press conference unveiling a product that will revolutionize the way we point at things. Once the Omega 3 Laser Pointer hits the assembly line, it will be the world’s most powerful laser pointer in production.

“As people grew ever more aggravated by pointing at things with their fingers they turned to a new technology – laser pointing.” Laser Lab Chairman Timothy Carter said. “Just as the jet engine replaced the propeller driven plane, our new laser pointer will change the paradigm of pointing once again. Now is the time to usher in a new era in laser pointing.”

The Omega 3 will hit stores later this month for about $200 and will be powerful enough to point to things when nobody is paying attention. The pointer also comes fully equipped with three interchangeable caps – the classic dot, the bird in flight and the trucker mud flap lady. And, according to VP of Marketing Richard Gillis, the Lab will include a bunch of other accessories yet to be named to the public.

“The applications of such a device are limitless,” Gillis said. “With the Omega 3 Laser Pointer, not only will you be able to annoy people by shooting a laser in their eyes, you’ll be able to blind them with it.”

The pointer is the fruit of an effort that has taken seven years and expended several billion dollars. The Omega 3 Laser Pointer will be capable of projecting several different colored dots. “No longer will the world be unable to point to red objects,” Engineer Arun Aggarwal said.

Early on, the Omega 3 Laser Pointer research team suffered some setbacks due to bad publicity created when a group protested against the new pointers being used for military purposes. The crowds were eventually dispersed when the Lab’s paramilitary police force used the new laser pointers to point out some pita and hummus, several hundred yards away.

Carter expressed concerns about security in the future as well. “We’ve heightened security patrols in all portions at the lab and are strip-searching all employees and visitors for any signs of terrorist paraphernalia,” he said. “If used by evil hands, the pointer could bring death and destruction. But if used by red-blooded Americans, the pointer will bring about a safer and better world for us and our children.”

Despite security woes, the Lab has already undergone product testing. Those who have used the new pointer are ecstatic to be the first to use such a watershed product. “It’s only $200, which is cheap for something so good,” cat lady Regina Boulds said. “Now the pretty kitties will love me again.” Boulds went on to throw some of her cats out the door and scream in a low pitch jumble of words.

The cat community has already mobilized against the proliferation of the new pointer. In a speech to National Association of Domesticated Species, Spokesman Garfield the Cat expressed his fears.

“Fellow felines, we cannot let the Omega 3 Laser Pointer distract us from our goals as cats – being better than everybody else and licking our anuses,” the Cat said. “We will follow bright shiny things no more!”

Yet the Laser Lab for Energetics has not expressed any reservations about continuing its research. In its perpetual mission to create better laser pointers, by 2010 the Lab intends to develop a laser pointer that can point to things half way around the world.

The Funyon appears in the first issue of every month.

Rudolph can be reached at drudolph@campustimes.org



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