Viewing pornography has enjoyed a long history on our campus, because of both the traditional campus-wide showing of an X-rated movie every spring, as well the fact that so few students here ever get any action.

While viewing porn may be commonplace on this campus, making a porn is rather unusual. Once again, the UR administration has stepped to the forefront with another daring initiative. Trust us, this is going to be much, much ?bigger? than freshman housing.

Due to the widespread dissatisfaction with the quality of this year?s porn, ?College Cuties,? UR administrators have taken it upon themselves to film their own porn, ?Cum to Wallis Hall.?

This visual masterpiece will include such well-known stars as Mary Beth Humper, Tom ?Jackoff?son, ?Big Willie? Green, Paulette Burgett, ?Hard as a? Rockensies, Charles ?Feel me up? Phelps and a special guest appearance by SA President, Meng Long Wang.

The plot of the film centers around the controversy over whether Paulette Burgett, a transvestite, will receive an administrative position. Humper and Paulette are best friends, and together they are willing to do whatever it takes to convince Jackoff that Burgett can carry any load.

The two lovely divas set their eyes on UR?s powerful and horny hunks ? ?Big Willie,? ?Feel me up? and ?Hard as a Rock? ? as the tickets to the top.

The seduction that follows has something for everyone ? foreplay, handcuffs, a whip and even a little whipped cream.

If the mention of whipped cream made you hungry, wait until you see the bananas. One of the best aspects of the porn is the creative and unusual ways they make use of Wallis Hall. You won?t look at the reception desk the same way again.

It gets so wild that there were actually butt imprints permanently etched on the elevator walls.

?Cum? represents a breakthrough performance for Humper, an industry novice. With a rack like that, her future looks bright.

Paulette is the ideal drag queen, except she needs to remember that shaving is not enough ? backs need to be waxed. Paulette more than makes up for a little excess body hair with her unbelievable abs. The secret to her success ? Denise Austen?s fitness genius.

One disappointing aspect of the film was the misleading name of one of its characters. Unfortunately, ?Big Willie? was not that big.

The chemistry between Paulette and Hard as a Rock was unmistakable. After all that time staring at each other from across their offices in Wilson Commons, there was more than a little pent-up tension, and it was time for a long-overdue ?release? ? bow chicka wow wow.

While Humper and Paulette spend most of the movie in search of ?Jackoff,? he is typically hard to find. In an exciting ?climax,? it is revealed that all of the walls in Wallis Hall contain two-way mirrors, and Jackoff has been watching the action the whole time.

Even after multiple viewings of the film, Director of Admissions Jamie Hobba refused to comment.

The orgy at the end is expected and brings together the whole script.

This movie is not to be missed. If you thought ?Chocolat? was sensual, you ain?t seen nothing yet.



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